The sense of smell. People say it's linked strongest to memories. I think some of the people who have said this have been scientists or researchers so it must be true. I know it to be true. Never have I experienced time travel until I experienced it when smelling that smell on that person who walked into that store. That random stranger. And then I wasn't grocery shopping anymore. I wasn't there at all anymore. I was three years in the past. An ache in my heart and a disease tainting my thoughts. I wasn't 21 and fixed anymore, I was 18 and broken. I curled up on my bed and let the sad music play and closed my eyes. And then I moved. I took a step forward and wasn't in my bed anymore, I was back in the grocery store. Smell is such a funny thing.
Sometimes I wanna bottle scents. Those smells. The smells that break your heart. The smells that put you together. The fragrances that takes the fragments in you and makes them whole. I want to bottle them. And sometimes I want to scrub myself with them. Sometimes I want to use it like it's soap. Sometimes I want to scrub and scrub and scrub. Pushing down with my right hand and rubbing the scent into my left arm, with a loofa or washcloth or anything. I want to felt it go past my skin and through my bloodstream. Into my veins. I want my arm to turn red. Like I want to push it past the surface and into the part of me that matters. I want the scent pumping through me instead of whatever normally does it. I think I would live better that way. Sometimes, I mean.
Other times I seem to have the opposite urge. Sometimes I feel like the smell is already inside me. Waiting patiently to be smelt. And then I smell it. I smell it when the stranger walks by at the grocery store. I smell it when I get too close to forgetting what it smells like. I smell it and I feel something rush up from my toes and right to the middle of my heart. It's not always pleasant, this feeling. Sometimes I think my heart burts. Because this scent has something on me. It know me too well. It's been there, at 3am when I can't fall asleep. It's like this scent wants to be my undoing, wants to cause my reckoning. Because it reminds me of a time that's gone. A time that never was. A what that will never be. These times, I don't want to scrub. I want to pull. I want to rip off the surface and yank the scent from inside of me. I want to throw it away in a trash bin and light it on fire. I never want to smell that smell again...
but it is such a sweet smell.
So I put out the fire, bottle the scent, and scrub until it's inside again.
This past Monday was my best friend's birthday! Sarah and I tend to go overboard for each other on our birthday's and Christmas and this year was definitely no exception! I found some beauties on sale and also did some DIY's and wanted to share with everyone the great haul I got for a great friend!
Finds:
Pain, Parties, Work: Sylvia Plath in New York, Summer 1953 by Elizabeth Winder
Not only is this is a biography of our favorite person: Sylvia Plath, but it is a biography that focuses solely on the month of Plath's life that inspired The Bell Jar. I found this browsing the internet months ago and just knew I had to get it for her!
I has no intention of getting these, but I walked by Charlotte Russe and saw the amazing sale they had and just could not resist!
I love these because they combine one of my favorite things (the color black) and one of Sarah's (crop tops)!
Black Harem Pants, H&M (under $20)
I picked up a pair of these for myself and have literally been living in them since. They are so comfortable, flattering on all body types, and acceptable for almost any kind of social situation really. They are more comfortable than sweats, and much more fashionable. I knew I had to give Sarah these beauties!
Gotta accessorize! I don't think I have ever not gotten Sarah accessories. It's just a staple. It's so easy, fun, and probably my favorite thing to shop for for her! I also liked picking these out because I think they will compliment the black crop tops well!
Now to the DIY's:
DIY #1: Painted Moleskins
Sarah decorated journals for my for my birthday and I absolutely love them! I loved the idea, and knew I wanted to do something similar this year for her birthday. The idea struck me when I was browsing Barnes & Noble and found a treasure I didn't know existed: white moleskins!! I nearly fainted when I saw these beauties and bought a pack of two on the immediate.
Materials for DIY:
Moleskins (Barnes & Noble)
Paints (AC Moore)
Modge Podge (AC Moore)
Brushes (AC Moore)
I bought some paints, used brushes and Modge Podge I already had at home and BAM! DIY painted moleskins!
DIY #2: Homemade Midi Ring
Materials:
Thin copper wire (AC Moore)
Wire cutters
This DIY was so easy and I love the result! All I did was twist some copper wire around my finger and used some wire cutters to cut the wire. You could get more fancy and use pliers, but I guess I just got lucky! Tip: be sure to be careful where to bend your cut wire- you don't want to cut yourself!
...And that's that! Some great gifts for the greatest person I know!
Happy Birthday to you Sarie! Thanks for being my best friend (I really don't know how you do it). Love you to the moon and back. Xo.
1. Will people ever start caring about me as much as I care about them?
Alright, this is the most self-absorbed question on the list so let's get this one out of the way as quickly and painlessly as possible. It's just simple. I feel like I care too much. I have always cared too much. Put too much pressure on myself to make sure everyone else around me is happy, no matter what it means I may have to sacrifice for myself. And that's just how I am, that's how I am made up I guess. I don't really like talking about myself that much. Most people usually don't know what I'm really thinking in my crazy little brain (although many people assume they do, given my tendency to over-talk). Just because I talk a lot does not mean you know me. But that's a different conversation for a different day. Today's topic is much more straightforward: when will I stop doing what other people want me to do and start doing what I want to do? I feel submissive. I feel so out of control of my feelings and my actions so much that it kind of makes me physically sick.
Usually I'd cure this by shutting out the rest of the world for a good 48 hours. Binge watch a show on Netflix. Read a few good books. But I'm not sure if I want to do that anymore. Do I want to just put a band aid on a cut that needs stitches? I don't think I want to anymore.
How to solve this question...I have no idea. Maybe I put my foot down. But will I? For I am terribly terrified of rejection, of disapproval. So much so one could probably say it's pathetic. But it's me.
So there's that. That's the big one. That one's the killer, the one that keeps you up at night and sometimes you find yourself kind of crying just sitting there not knowing why because you just feel like there's some kind of void in your heart. Like something died. A flower that died and won't grow back no matter how much you tend to it. That is the definition of unrequited - the word that will always haunt me. Unrequited is the face of my demons when my eyes are begging for sleep but my mind is begging for clarity.
2. What am I doing with my life?
Phew. This one I am much more comfortable talking about. And I think it's because at least I know I'm not alone in this. I think this is perfectly normal post grad thinking. Hell, there's websites about post grad problems now, and that movie starring Alexis Bledel remember? Yeah, definitely not alone in this one.
Anyone who is 22 years old and just graduated college and says they know what they're doing is lying. Let me tell you that right now. And if you're reading this and you think you're one of those people...I'm sorry, you're not. They don't exist, and they're not supposed to. You either admit you have no clue what you're doing or you paint a facade that you've got it all together for the world to see and secretly sob into Ben & Jerry's three nights a week. So just admit it, you'll save yourself a lot of money (and calories).
We're not supposed to know what we're doing. We're supposed to be figuring it out. We're supposed to be taking risks, doing things now because it truly is our last chance to be that selfish and put ourselves first. We will have time for everything else later. But right now it is totally acceptable to shout about your directionless life from the rooftops. To drink on a Sunday. To work 3 different jobs. To take a trip. To find yourself. We will figure it out, we just don't have it figured out yet.
This question I can usually come to terms with in my mind. But that doesn't mean it doesn't terrify me at the same time.
3. What am I doing here?
The world is big and I have only seen so little. This disgusts me. I feel as though I will never learn how to be a true adult and functioning member of society unless I fix this. Unless I go somewhere new. Unless I make roots somewhere else. Unless I do something.
But for at least a little while longer it seems I am to stay here. And that just makes me a bit stir crazy.
This doesn't really make sense and wasn't as nearly as therapeutic as I hoped it would be. I feel like recently my heart has been feeling like how it feels just before you wake up from a dream that you're falling. Your heart senses it first and you can kind of feel your heart dropping into your feet. You know? It's a really uncomfortable feeling to live with and I would really just like to open my eyes now, take a few deep breathes, roll over and be able to go back to sleep.
Moral of the story: I think too much, don't think I have ever been more confused or more miserable, and feel trapped both by geography and by my own skin. I think I just want to scream but am almost sure that if I did, I would not make a sound.
When I found out that Warner Bros and JK Rowling were teaming up once more to bring her textbook like "Fantastic Beats and Where To Find Them" book to life on the big screen, I didn't scream with joy. I didn't even jump up and down. Hell, I didn't even smile really.
What does that mean? How can someone as obsessed and in love with the beautiful world JK Rowling created as I am not be excited about this? Have I gone crazy? Am I "over" it all?
Well, I'm definitely not over it and I'm not crazy, well not any crazier than usual. I think my lack of excited anticipation for this project stems from my fear of too much of a good thing. Too much of a good thing is not a good thing, to put it redundantly. And I guess I am nervous that this will be too much. I'm nervous it will flop. I'm nervous it won't be anything. I guess I'm nervous as to how it will or will not make me feel. Pretty silly, right?
Let's get emotional for a second. The Harry Potter series has done for me what nothing else has. I am like the many others who grew up with it, who wrapped our arms around it when we were scared. Who immersed our eyes in the words on the pages and let it transport us to Hogwarts when our would didn't make sense anymore, when it wasn't someplace we wanted to be. Who sobbed like small children at the mall who couldn't find their mother when Dobby died because nothing made sense. Who read those last three words "all was well" and sighed a beautiful yet heartbreaking sigh because it was over. The storytelling was over, but the story will never be over, and that's the beauty of it. It began, it happened, it ended, and we will always have it when it's 3am and we are scared of the dark.
I remember the midnight premiere of Deathly Hallows Part 2. Decked out in my Gryffindor uniform, Hermione Granger. Sitting in the theatre. Holding my cousin's hand and squeezing and squeezing and squeezing. Refusing to get up when the credits stopped rolling. Crying. Crying with a theatre full of people. Crying because we had a lost a piece of ourselves that we could never get back. Crying because our childhood had ended, and we were left defenseless against the cold of the real world. And it was magificent and we were all there together and had one another and we all understood without understanding at all. And that was magic. And that will always be magic. The storytelling has ended but the story lives within us, the story lives in the books, in the films. It could not have been a better goodbye, a goodbye that wasn't a goodbye at all.
And that was beautiful. Because the chapter of our lives ended but the story was still there. But I think it was very important that that door closed. Very important that our childhoods ended, very important that the storytelling was done being told. It gave us the closure we needed while at the same time wrapped us in a blanket of security by knowing we could always go back.
I worry that Fantastic Beats will poke at this too much. I worry that it will try to rip back open the door that was so elegantly closed. I worry the shape that it will leave us in. Unfulfilled, let down, craving more, addicted. I worry that it will meddle with the beauty of our memories. I worry it will poke the vase at the end of the table just enough for it to wobble a few times before falling, shattering on the floor into a million little pieces.
What does this say about me? Analyzing so much about a movie that doesn't even have a storyline yet?
It makes me a Harry Potter fan. One who doesn't want the magic to be tainted.
And let's just be clear: I still plan on attending this at midnight. I still plan on giving it a chance. I hope I'm wrong. And I have all the faith and admiration in the world for JK Rowling. There was just a humming in me that wouldn't be silenced until I wrote it down.
Think about it. We're constantly connected, constantly
turned on. If you're like me, part of your daily morning routine includes
checking the usual social media websites: facebook, twitter, instagram, vine,
snapchat, etc. We are constantly using social media to shove our nose into
other people's buisness. And we let it be done right back to us, by uploading
pictures and checking in somewhere anytime we leave the house, or tweeting
witty quotes and dramatic lyrics. With social media, we can instantly tell what
many of our close friends are doing, whom they're doing it with, and how they
feel about it.
That's great…isn't it? It's great that we can see photos
from vacations, or hear about how much fun you had at that concert last night.
We can be up to speed on everything, like we never missed a beat. We can share
our experiences with our friends and in return our friends share them. But do
we really need to share everything?
Here is my attempt to rationalize this abstract concept of
plastering our personal lives all over for the world to see. It might not seem
abstract, but think about it for a few minutes and you’ll probably get really
lost in your mind about what it all means and what it says about our generation
and how soon no one will know how to have a face to face interaction. At least,
that’s what happened to me. So maybe I’m just crazy and this isn’t such an
abstract concept to anyone else.
Regardless, I tried to sum up how social media is ruining
our friendships by giving you three main reasons. And here they are:
1) We Don't Catch Up Anymore
Simply because there is nothing to catch up on. If we constantly know what everyone around us is doing,
what are we supposed to talk about when we get together? I find myself guilty
of this too often. I am out to lunch or just hanging out with a friend and they
start to tell a story of something they've done since we last saw one another
and I interject "oh yeah I saw the picture! I didn't know Joe was going
with you to that. Your new shirt looked great, by the way." How can we
catch up one each others lives if there's nothing really to catch up on?
2) Hanging Out Turns Into Sitting In A Room With Someone Staring At Your Respective Phones
As previously mentioned, I am just as guilty of doing
this as anyone else, it is just something that's really been nagging at me
recently. I cannot get it out of my head. So much time spent with friends is
becoming sitting in silence while we are on our respective technological device,
tweeting about being with each other, or editing a picture of being together,
but we're not really spending quality time together in doing this. Because we
haven't missed anything, have we? (This takes me right back to reason #1). Not if we've been checking social media, or
even just texting and iMessaging daily. That's the problem I think. That's as
far as I can pin point it. Social media
is damaging our friendships because it is allowing us to be with them in some
form of the word almost 24/7. If we can be with them so much, how can we miss
them? Absence makes the heart grow fonder, doesn't it? No absence means I know
everything there is to know about what you've been up to and so while we're at
lunch I'm going to check my news feed and see what other people are doing.
3) Sometimes, we just need to be unreachable.
Not so long ago, people used to go out without cell
phones or computers. They'd go out all of the time without them. And they'd
survive. They'd do what they needed to do and come home. They would go days
without talking to some of their best friends. Because they weren't always
reachable. They weren't always connected, always turned on. I have this giant pit in my stomach and it's
the unwavering fear that we are missing out on our lives because we're too busy
posting about it on the internet. We don't know how to talk face to face
anymore, or we don't do it nearly as often as we should.
Going
off of this, I think reasons 1-3 happen because we don't have an attention
span anymore, at least not really. Holding eye contact with someone for a
five minute conversation at the bank seems invasive and uncomfortable.
We can't pay attention to anyone for longer than a few minutes, and
that's because we're used to the constantly updating constantly changing
world of the internet. We'd rather sit on our phones like have a
face-to-face conversation with someone for a few hours makes us fidget
and feel trapped.
Here's my suggestion: the next time you're with a
friend…maybe you should accidently leave your phone at home. Or in the car. And
see what happens.
…But then again, what do I know? Because part of me thinks I’m
adding to the problem by posting this.
One of my favorite things to do at any time of year is curl up with a good book. I am not picky about the genre, I'll read anything, especially if you give me a testimony telling me how great it is. However, during the school year I often find myself too busy reading books I'm being told to read, instead of reading for my own enjoyment. That is where summer comes in. Summer gives me the time I don't have the rest of the year, the time to read at my leisure, whatever I want to read. I can read for as little or as long as I want, and it is my own little slice of heaven.
This summer, I've been reading quite a variety of books and wanted to share some of them with you, especially because all of them are also coming to the silver screen as well. Don't get me wrong, I love films, but I am always partial to the book's telling, and like to read the book before I see the movie whenever I can. Alright, enough rambling, onto what I read:
The Spectacular Nowby Tim Tharp
I must admit. I watched the trailer for this movie first before I had any idea it was a book. I watched the trailer religiously and knew automatically I needed to see it as soon as it came out in my area. My good friend who showed me the trailer is also the one who informed me that it was also a book. A few days later I was at Barnes & Noble with a gift card burning a hole in my pocket, when I came across the book on display on a shelf. I couldn't resist. I bought it and started reading it the same night. I couldn't put it down and finished it the next afternoon.
The book tells the story of Sutter Keeley, a senior in high school with quite an alcohol problem, stemming from a troubled family and a huge "carpe diem" complex. The story unfolds and explores the concept of first love, as he finds himself spending time with girl who is completely opposite of him (shy & introverted). This story is beautiful. It brings you up just to tear you down, and tears you down just to bring you right back up. And the whole time it just seems so real, like a breath of fresh air. I really don't want to give anything away, but I really want you to read it.
After finishing it, I am just more excited for the movie. I hope it starts playing around here soon! I do already see some differences from the book but the hope I have for this movie is unreal. I think it could be a real life-changer.
Here's the trailer for the movie, currently out in limited release:
The Fault In Our Stars by John Green
Alright, I'm a huge John Green fan. Looking For Alaska sits on my elite shelf of "favorite books I've ever read" (yes, I have one of those). This being said, it took me forever to read this book. I think it was because I'm quite stubborn, and after reading Alaska and hearing that this book was going to be made into a movie and not the former, I was pretty upset. How annoying am I? Like, really. Also, I did read Papertowns and liked it, but it wasn't up to the par set by Alaska. God, I sound like such a snob. Oh well. Anyways, after one of my friends kept insisting I read it, I gave it a chance and picked it up from Barnes & Noble using the same gift card I used to buy The Spectacular Now.
I began reading The Fault In Our Stars at 9:30pm on a Thursday night and finished at around 1am that same night. Needless to say, I was enthralled in the story, breathing in the characters with each page I turned.
The book tells the love story of Hazel, a terminally ill cancer patient, and Augustus, a cancer patient who is currently in remission. And that's all I really want to say, because again, I want you to experience it for itself.
I will tell you that it will break your heart. And it will do it in the most beautiful way possible. It will leave you feeling like you had been breathing without living. Looking but not really seeing, seeing but not really being.
The movie adaptation just began filming and is expected to be released into cinemas next year.
Divergentand Insurgentby Veronica Roth
The Divergent series is The Hunger Games of 2013, and I feel like that is really the best description I can give. I don't think the series is as good as THG to be quite honest, but it it still good, nonetheless.
The series is set in a dystopian society at some point in the future (hence THG). The society is proken up into 5 factions (the selfless, the brave, the smart, the peaceful, and the honest). When a child turns 16, they choose which faction they are to spend the remainder of their life in, the one they grew up in or a different one. The Katniss of the story, Beatrice or Tris, transfers from the selfless faction to the brave faction. Let's just say, she is much more than the simplicity of a faction, and all hell is about to break lose as the balance of the society is starting to teeter.
I enjoyed the first book moreso than the second, and I think that's honestly because throughout most of the second book I could not stand the protagonist. I felt towards Tris how I often felt towards Katniss, annoyed. Moral of the story is books about 16 year old heroines call for a lot of angst and selfish actions that I don't particularly care for. For the most part though, Roth was able to justify Tris' actions and feeling and thus my frustration with her never became too much of a problem.
If you like The Hunger Games, read this series. You will like it.
The third and final book of the trilogy, Allegiant is set to come out this October.
A movie adaptation of the first book, Divergent, has been filmed and is set to be released in March of 2014.
Interestingly enough, all three of these movie adaptations will star Shailene Woodley. Girl is on a roll nailing the good roles and her career is going to skyrocket in 2014. I honestly couldn't stand the girl based on the horror that is The Secret Life of the American Teenager, but all of that changed when I saw her in The Descendents. The girl can act, and I am excited to see her play such different characters in the next year!
