1. Will people ever start caring about me as much as I care about them?
Alright, this is the most self-absorbed question on the list so let's get this one out of the way as quickly and painlessly as possible. It's just simple. I feel like I care too much. I have always cared too much. Put too much pressure on myself to make sure everyone else around me is happy, no matter what it means I may have to sacrifice for myself. And that's just how I am, that's how I am made up I guess. I don't really like talking about myself that much. Most people usually don't know what I'm really thinking in my crazy little brain (although many people assume they do, given my tendency to over-talk). Just because I talk a lot does not mean you know me. But that's a different conversation for a different day. Today's topic is much more straightforward: when will I stop doing what other people want me to do and start doing what I want to do? I feel submissive. I feel so out of control of my feelings and my actions so much that it kind of makes me physically sick.
Usually I'd cure this by shutting out the rest of the world for a good 48 hours. Binge watch a show on Netflix. Read a few good books. But I'm not sure if I want to do that anymore. Do I want to just put a band aid on a cut that needs stitches? I don't think I want to anymore.
How to solve this question...I have no idea. Maybe I put my foot down. But will I? For I am terribly terrified of rejection, of disapproval. So much so one could probably say it's pathetic. But it's me.
So there's that. That's the big one. That one's the killer, the one that keeps you up at night and sometimes you find yourself kind of crying just sitting there not knowing why because you just feel like there's some kind of void in your heart. Like something died. A flower that died and won't grow back no matter how much you tend to it. That is the definition of unrequited - the word that will always haunt me. Unrequited is the face of my demons when my eyes are begging for sleep but my mind is begging for clarity.
2. What am I doing with my life?
Phew. This one I am much more comfortable talking about. And I think it's because at least I know I'm not alone in this. I think this is perfectly normal post grad thinking. Hell, there's websites about post grad problems now, and that movie starring Alexis Bledel remember? Yeah, definitely not alone in this one.
Anyone who is 22 years old and just graduated college and says they know what they're doing is lying. Let me tell you that right now. And if you're reading this and you think you're one of those people...I'm sorry, you're not. They don't exist, and they're not supposed to. You either admit you have no clue what you're doing or you paint a facade that you've got it all together for the world to see and secretly sob into Ben & Jerry's three nights a week. So just admit it, you'll save yourself a lot of money (and calories).
We're not supposed to know what we're doing. We're supposed to be figuring it out. We're supposed to be taking risks, doing things now because it truly is our last chance to be that selfish and put ourselves first. We will have time for everything else later. But right now it is totally acceptable to shout about your directionless life from the rooftops. To drink on a Sunday. To work 3 different jobs. To take a trip. To find yourself. We will figure it out, we just don't have it figured out yet.
This question I can usually come to terms with in my mind. But that doesn't mean it doesn't terrify me at the same time.
3. What am I doing here?
The world is big and I have only seen so little. This disgusts me. I feel as though I will never learn how to be a true adult and functioning member of society unless I fix this. Unless I go somewhere new. Unless I make roots somewhere else. Unless I do something.
But for at least a little while longer it seems I am to stay here. And that just makes me a bit stir crazy.
This doesn't really make sense and wasn't as nearly as therapeutic as I hoped it would be. I feel like recently my heart has been feeling like how it feels just before you wake up from a dream that you're falling. Your heart senses it first and you can kind of feel your heart dropping into your feet. You know? It's a really uncomfortable feeling to live with and I would really just like to open my eyes now, take a few deep breathes, roll over and be able to go back to sleep.
Moral of the story: I think too much, don't think I have ever been more confused or more miserable, and feel trapped both by geography and by my own skin. I think I just want to scream but am almost sure that if I did, I would not make a sound.
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